Sharing my secret

As I type, I'm fighting back an uncontrollable itchy feeling down there. This itch is accompanied by a burning sensation, and I have constant dry mouth, caused by the medication, even though I'm downing my third cup of water since I took the pill. I wasn't sure if I was starting to have an outbreak or not earlier today, so I looked up symptoms online, but as I was laying here on the computer, the pain and burning feeling got worse and worse, and it became very obvious I was starting my second genital herpes outbreak.

My genital herpes is for the most part, my dirty little secret. My best friend and older sister, Lucy, who is in the bed across the room sleeping right now, probably will never know I have genital herpes. I just can't face ever telling her. She thinks I'm still a virgin, and that the most I've ever done is make out. She was in college and I was still living at home through my "wild phase", so she missed out on being able to sneak around and find out what I was really up to. And I like it that way. I'm living with her this summer, and her not knowing, has made it seem like I don't have a problem at all. Her not knowing is like the problem not existing. At least that's how it seemed, until today when I starting to feel some ominous tingling. Outbreaks, a constant reminder.

None of the other people in my family know about it, either. And my reasoning for keeping it a secret isn't just so I can pretend it's not true. My family is Catholic, and to them, fornication is a sin punishable by eternity in hell. If any of them knew, I can't even imagine how upset they'd be. Why would I want that judgment, shame, and guilt cast onto me by my family? I don't want that. And that is why, I'm keeping my secret from family.

The only people who know are me and my gyno, and three of my closest girl friends. I had to confide in someone, I just hope these girls can be trusted with my secret. Sometimes I wish they didn't know, but I couldn't keep it all to myself. Secrets are hard to keep! And that's why I'm worried that anyone else knows. Oh yeah, I guess Lou knows too, because I tried to be nice and tell him to get tested. I gave him my virginity, so maybe he'll be nice and make sure no one finds out my secret?

I've thought about how difficult it is going to be to tell someone who I plan on having sex with that I have genital herpes, and if they choose to still have sex with me, there's a chance they may get it too. I can picture losing someone I really love in this way. But I guess if he isn't willing to still love me back even if I do have genital herpes, then he isn't worth loving anyway.