I have a question! Maybe you know...I asked my doctor if the herpes could be on my mouth too...since I reciprocated the oral in most, but not all, cases. She said if it was on my mouth, it would just be a cold sore, so not to worry about it. I don't have any cold sores though. Since she said it'd just be a cold sore though, does this mean I have type 1?
I probably won't be able to get tested to find out type 1 or 2 for a while because I'm out of state, for school. So if anyone has any thoughts, please share :)
Friday, June 13, 2008
Stigmas and other BULL SHIT
SO today I decided to write about one of the worst aspects of having genital herpes. For me, it's even worse then the outbreaks. The worse thing is the label, and the stigma that most people associate with genital herpes.
I don't blame anyone for their judgments, because before I got it, I was the same way. I remember one time this guy I know told me that the night before these really hot girls were drinking with him in his dorm, and ended up crashing on his bed. Then, the next day, after the girls left, someone told him those girls were sluts and had STDs. He became horrified they had slept in his bed, and washed and sanitized everything. I remember not wanting to even go to his dorm room because people who might have had STDs had been there. How stupid. What, did I think I was going to get an STD by just entering a room that someone with an STD had slept in?
People fear what they don't know. If I had been more informed, I would have known I don't need to be afraid of people with STDs. There's no way to get them, without sexual contact and fluid transfer. People who have STDs need support; they are probably having a lot of trouble dealing with it. If they have the great courage it takes to admit to you they have one, the only acceptable response is love and compassion towards that person.
I read somewhere on the internet that if I take Valtrex, when I have sex again, and if he wears a condom, and I'm not having an outbreak, the chances of spreading the virus could be as low and about 1%.
I have outbreaks, but medications make having the virus manageable.
The worst attitude people can have is assuming because I have genital herpes, that automatically makes me a slut. I'm not a slut. I have had sex a few times, but I might have had the virus even before I had sex, when I was technically a virgin. I don't know what type I have, so I could have gotten it from just receiving oral. People can get STDs from only having sex one time. Or from rape. Getting one doesn't have anything to do with out "slutty" you are, and does not correlate at all with how many times you have had sex.
People who look down on those with STDs are iggnorant. Just because for some reason they don't have one, does that make them any better then those who do? OF COURSE NOT.
Since starting this blog, I've started reading other peoples blogs concerning their own person experiences with genital herpes. It's been my observation that a great number of people fall into only two categories:
1) People in Dispair
These people are in a low place, just because of their diagnosis. They let the virus beat them, by letting it dictate their lives. They abstain from sex, and stay away from intimate relationships, because of fear of the rejection they expect when their partner learns about their problems.
2) People who have rose above it
These people have it the same problems as people in category one, but instead of letting it get them down, they rise above it, and make it only a small part of their lives, not a major road block. These people know the real facts about herpes, and know that life goes on. The surprising thing is, it seems like when people tell partners about their problems, the partner is mostly supportive and stays with them. This has been the case in many, many, many of the stories I've found on the internet. And the people that can't accept it, they don't deserve to have sex with you anyways. They are the ones missing out. To all the people who fit into this group, I truly admire you, and am so glad you are able to rise above your problems.
The unfortunate thing is that too many people fall into the first group. And to those people, I urge you to realize you can rise about this, and be so much more then just a diagnosis.
A startling fact:
Results of a nationally representative study show that genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, at least 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five adolescents and adults, have had genital HSV infection.
I am not alone in this.
If this statistic is true, then I wonder how many people out there are just like me? SICK of the label we are given and the stigma a lot of people have about genital herpes. It's bull shit, and I hate that we have to put up with it.
I don't blame anyone for their judgments, because before I got it, I was the same way. I remember one time this guy I know told me that the night before these really hot girls were drinking with him in his dorm, and ended up crashing on his bed. Then, the next day, after the girls left, someone told him those girls were sluts and had STDs. He became horrified they had slept in his bed, and washed and sanitized everything. I remember not wanting to even go to his dorm room because people who might have had STDs had been there. How stupid. What, did I think I was going to get an STD by just entering a room that someone with an STD had slept in?
People fear what they don't know. If I had been more informed, I would have known I don't need to be afraid of people with STDs. There's no way to get them, without sexual contact and fluid transfer. People who have STDs need support; they are probably having a lot of trouble dealing with it. If they have the great courage it takes to admit to you they have one, the only acceptable response is love and compassion towards that person.
I read somewhere on the internet that if I take Valtrex, when I have sex again, and if he wears a condom, and I'm not having an outbreak, the chances of spreading the virus could be as low and about 1%.
I have outbreaks, but medications make having the virus manageable.
The worst attitude people can have is assuming because I have genital herpes, that automatically makes me a slut. I'm not a slut. I have had sex a few times, but I might have had the virus even before I had sex, when I was technically a virgin. I don't know what type I have, so I could have gotten it from just receiving oral. People can get STDs from only having sex one time. Or from rape. Getting one doesn't have anything to do with out "slutty" you are, and does not correlate at all with how many times you have had sex.
People who look down on those with STDs are iggnorant. Just because for some reason they don't have one, does that make them any better then those who do? OF COURSE NOT.
Since starting this blog, I've started reading other peoples blogs concerning their own person experiences with genital herpes. It's been my observation that a great number of people fall into only two categories:
1) People in Dispair
These people are in a low place, just because of their diagnosis. They let the virus beat them, by letting it dictate their lives. They abstain from sex, and stay away from intimate relationships, because of fear of the rejection they expect when their partner learns about their problems.
2) People who have rose above it
These people have it the same problems as people in category one, but instead of letting it get them down, they rise above it, and make it only a small part of their lives, not a major road block. These people know the real facts about herpes, and know that life goes on. The surprising thing is, it seems like when people tell partners about their problems, the partner is mostly supportive and stays with them. This has been the case in many, many, many of the stories I've found on the internet. And the people that can't accept it, they don't deserve to have sex with you anyways. They are the ones missing out. To all the people who fit into this group, I truly admire you, and am so glad you are able to rise above your problems.
The unfortunate thing is that too many people fall into the first group. And to those people, I urge you to realize you can rise about this, and be so much more then just a diagnosis.
A startling fact:
Results of a nationally representative study show that genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, at least 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five adolescents and adults, have had genital HSV infection.
I am not alone in this.
If this statistic is true, then I wonder how many people out there are just like me? SICK of the label we are given and the stigma a lot of people have about genital herpes. It's bull shit, and I hate that we have to put up with it.
My decision and The story of the three losers I gave myself to
And my big decision is:
I've decided to wait until I'm in love to have sex again. After having sex with a random guy, a friends-older-brother-I've-always-had-a-crush-on, and an old friend, this is a decision I've come upon, because it’s what I feel is best for me. I know that people don't agree you have to be in love to have sex. And that's fine for them. But for me, I know that sex made me feel a connection that I knew was out of place between me and these guys I was attracted to, but didn’t love. This bond is meant to be special. That’s the feeling I got from it all. And I had made it into something selfish. During sex with the random guy I had known for only a week, I kept repeating "I love you!" (Mmm yeah, I bet that freaked him out a bit). But I couldn't help it. The sex was good, but I've learned my lesson of what sex is meant for, and the next time I have sex I want to be able to say the words "I love you" again, but actually mean it this time!
I had only known Lou a week when we had sex in his dorm room, I painfully gave up on virginity, and in the midst of the act claimed to "love" him. A few days later I went to the gyno about some itching, and a week later I felt obligated to call him and tell him about my diagnosis. And he seriously FLIPPED out. All he kept saying was WTF. I had told him I was a virgin, and didn't tell him I've ever gotten oral or anything. But on the phone that day he made sure I KNEW that there was no way the genital herpes came from him. Even though the whole time I knew him (a whole week of hanging out) he played himself off to be such a ladies man, and even mentioned at least three different girls he used to "do", he suddenly became the saint who had only had sex with one girl, a girl who had been his girlfriend for four years, and also didn't have sex with anyone else. Okay, liar. The herpes could have just has easily came from you as it did from me. He tried to tell me the only way he might have had something to do with it is that it could have been in the thing of lube, because all of the guys on his floor share the same one and they have to scoop it out with their hands, so it could have gotten in there somehow, and then into me. I asked my gyno, it can't be spread like that. And the virus can lie dormant with no outbreaks for years. We just didn't know the facts back then, I guess. So even though Lou knows I have it, I don't think he's going to even get tested. Which makes me sick to think about because if he was the one who gave it to me, or I could have possibly given it to him, then he could be out giving it to more people right now. The condom did break, so he probably does have it too. Or could have to begin with.
But I'm a hypocrite to say it makes me sick to think about, because...............
The other two guys I've had sex with since then, might have gotten it from me too. Those both happened before my revelation and vow of chastity, mind you. And neither of them know I had genital herpes when we had sex, or know now for that matter. I tried my best to be safe, but when I had sex with the friend's-older-brother-who-I-had-always-had-a-crush-on,Jason, he ripped the condom off of himself halfway through. So can I be blamed if he has it? I insisted he wear one and even drove to Shell to pick up some in the middle of the night for him. One thing I've learned, is that it's a joke to say guys care about if a girl has a condom on or not. They just care they get laid. I don't think anyone can blame me for my "all men are dogs" theory.
The other guy, the old friend, Ben, I also feel like I can't take the blame if he has it, because I was too drunk to even move, and he took advantage of me. I feel like it was rape, but I'm not sure, because I might have said he could. It just makes me mad because he wasn't drunk, I was very drunk, and he thought that meant I was free range to have sex with. I'm not sure if he was even smart enough to wear a condom. If he knew I had genital herpes, I'm sure he would have kept his pants zippered. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. And I'm never letting myself get into a situation like that ever again.
Lessons learned, decision made.
Sharing my secret
As I type, I'm fighting back an uncontrollable itchy feeling down there. This itch is accompanied by a burning sensation, and I have constant dry mouth, caused by the medication, even though I'm downing my third cup of water since I took the pill. I wasn't sure if I was starting to have an outbreak or not earlier today, so I looked up symptoms online, but as I was laying here on the computer, the pain and burning feeling got worse and worse, and it became very obvious I was starting my second genital herpes outbreak.
My genital herpes is for the most part, my dirty little secret. My best friend and older sister, Lucy, who is in the bed across the room sleeping right now, probably will never know I have genital herpes. I just can't face ever telling her. She thinks I'm still a virgin, and that the most I've ever done is make out. She was in college and I was still living at home through my "wild phase", so she missed out on being able to sneak around and find out what I was really up to. And I like it that way. I'm living with her this summer, and her not knowing, has made it seem like I don't have a problem at all. Her not knowing is like the problem not existing. At least that's how it seemed, until today when I starting to feel some ominous tingling. Outbreaks, a constant reminder.
None of the other people in my family know about it, either. And my reasoning for keeping it a secret isn't just so I can pretend it's not true. My family is Catholic, and to them, fornication is a sin punishable by eternity in hell. If any of them knew, I can't even imagine how upset they'd be. Why would I want that judgment, shame, and guilt cast onto me by my family? I don't want that. And that is why, I'm keeping my secret from family.
The only people who know are me and my gyno, and three of my closest girl friends. I had to confide in someone, I just hope these girls can be trusted with my secret. Sometimes I wish they didn't know, but I couldn't keep it all to myself. Secrets are hard to keep! And that's why I'm worried that anyone else knows. Oh yeah, I guess Lou knows too, because I tried to be nice and tell him to get tested. I gave him my virginity, so maybe he'll be nice and make sure no one finds out my secret?
I've thought about how difficult it is going to be to tell someone who I plan on having sex with that I have genital herpes, and if they choose to still have sex with me, there's a chance they may get it too. I can picture losing someone I really love in this way. But I guess if he isn't willing to still love me back even if I do have genital herpes, then he isn't worth loving anyway.
My genital herpes is for the most part, my dirty little secret. My best friend and older sister, Lucy, who is in the bed across the room sleeping right now, probably will never know I have genital herpes. I just can't face ever telling her. She thinks I'm still a virgin, and that the most I've ever done is make out. She was in college and I was still living at home through my "wild phase", so she missed out on being able to sneak around and find out what I was really up to. And I like it that way. I'm living with her this summer, and her not knowing, has made it seem like I don't have a problem at all. Her not knowing is like the problem not existing. At least that's how it seemed, until today when I starting to feel some ominous tingling. Outbreaks, a constant reminder.
None of the other people in my family know about it, either. And my reasoning for keeping it a secret isn't just so I can pretend it's not true. My family is Catholic, and to them, fornication is a sin punishable by eternity in hell. If any of them knew, I can't even imagine how upset they'd be. Why would I want that judgment, shame, and guilt cast onto me by my family? I don't want that. And that is why, I'm keeping my secret from family.
The only people who know are me and my gyno, and three of my closest girl friends. I had to confide in someone, I just hope these girls can be trusted with my secret. Sometimes I wish they didn't know, but I couldn't keep it all to myself. Secrets are hard to keep! And that's why I'm worried that anyone else knows. Oh yeah, I guess Lou knows too, because I tried to be nice and tell him to get tested. I gave him my virginity, so maybe he'll be nice and make sure no one finds out my secret?
I've thought about how difficult it is going to be to tell someone who I plan on having sex with that I have genital herpes, and if they choose to still have sex with me, there's a chance they may get it too. I can picture losing someone I really love in this way. But I guess if he isn't willing to still love me back even if I do have genital herpes, then he isn't worth loving anyway.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Introduction (and the background story on my diagnosis)
I am a nineteen year old girl from a small town in Maryland. I have had (real) sex four times in my entire life, all in this past year. With three different guys. All who never meant anything to me, and never will. A serious problem I used to have was an ignorance to facts concerning the transmission of genital herpes and the dangers of oral sex. (I'm not even going into my completely messed up attitude of sexuality...yet!). Before having (real) sex, I had a lot (can't- even-remember-the-number-a lot) of guys preform oral on me. "This is safe...", I told myself, "by doing this there's no chance of pregnancy or anything...", "It feels good and it's fun, so why not?" I didn't even think of the possibility of ever getting an STD. This April, I went to the gyno because I was itchy after my first time having (real) sex. My friend said it was just from the condom, but I'm the kind of person who needs to know I'm okay. And everything sure didn't end up being okay. During the examination, my gyno told me that the area inside of me had some bumps, but she wasn't sure if it was tearing from the sex, or, looking at me with such sympathy and a hint of pity in her eyes, she told me, it might be something more serious, like herpes. Tears immediately started running down my face. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO SAY THAT? THERE'S NO WAY I HAVE THAT. NOT ME. You never expect these things to happen to you...and then they do. She did a swab test, sent it away, and a few grueling days later, she called to give me my diagnosis. I felt morally obligated to call the guy who one week past had took my virginity to tell him the news (I'll tell the story of that whole ordeal in another post). I looked up all the information I could find on the internet, and called my gyno a couple of times, just to ask more questions. Anyways, I don't know how I got the herpes, but now after gaining knowleadge about it, my best guess would be that one of the guys giving me that oral I had so desired, had had a cold sore. Simple as that. None of them even know, much less care, how much our fooling around has affected my life. My life will never be the same. Getting news like that is a life shaker. I was doing a little research online tonight for information on the medication I was prescribed, Acyclovir, and happened to stumble upon this blog: http://herpesman.blogspot.com/ . Reading his words inspired me to share my own story. It's my hope that something good will come out of this blog, if only to let me express my feelings I keep bottled up inside. I have genital herpes, but I don't want to let that get me down. I'm striving to make my life be so much more then controlled by a diagnosis.
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