And my big decision is:
I've decided to wait until I'm in love to have sex again. After having sex with a random guy, a friends-older-brother-I've-always-had-a-crush-on, and an old friend, this is a decision I've come upon, because it’s what I feel is best for me. I know that people don't agree you have to be in love to have sex. And that's fine for them. But for me, I know that sex made me feel a connection that I knew was out of place between me and these guys I was attracted to, but didn’t love. This bond is meant to be special. That’s the feeling I got from it all. And I had made it into something selfish. During sex with the random guy I had known for only a week, I kept repeating "I love you!" (Mmm yeah, I bet that freaked him out a bit). But I couldn't help it. The sex was good, but I've learned my lesson of what sex is meant for, and the next time I have sex I want to be able to say the words "I love you" again, but actually mean it this time!
I had only known Lou a week when we had sex in his dorm room, I painfully gave up on virginity, and in the midst of the act claimed to "love" him. A few days later I went to the gyno about some itching, and a week later I felt obligated to call him and tell him about my diagnosis. And he seriously FLIPPED out. All he kept saying was WTF. I had told him I was a virgin, and didn't tell him I've ever gotten oral or anything. But on the phone that day he made sure I KNEW that there was no way the genital herpes came from him. Even though the whole time I knew him (a whole week of hanging out) he played himself off to be such a ladies man, and even mentioned at least three different girls he used to "do", he suddenly became the saint who had only had sex with one girl, a girl who had been his girlfriend for four years, and also didn't have sex with anyone else. Okay, liar. The herpes could have just has easily came from you as it did from me. He tried to tell me the only way he might have had something to do with it is that it could have been in the thing of lube, because all of the guys on his floor share the same one and they have to scoop it out with their hands, so it could have gotten in there somehow, and then into me. I asked my gyno, it can't be spread like that. And the virus can lie dormant with no outbreaks for years. We just didn't know the facts back then, I guess. So even though Lou knows I have it, I don't think he's going to even get tested. Which makes me sick to think about because if he was the one who gave it to me, or I could have possibly given it to him, then he could be out giving it to more people right now. The condom did break, so he probably does have it too. Or could have to begin with.
But I'm a hypocrite to say it makes me sick to think about, because...............
The other two guys I've had sex with since then, might have gotten it from me too. Those both happened before my revelation and vow of chastity, mind you. And neither of them know I had genital herpes when we had sex, or know now for that matter. I tried my best to be safe, but when I had sex with the friend's-older-brother-who-I-had-always-had-a-crush-on,Jason, he ripped the condom off of himself halfway through. So can I be blamed if he has it? I insisted he wear one and even drove to Shell to pick up some in the middle of the night for him. One thing I've learned, is that it's a joke to say guys care about if a girl has a condom on or not. They just care they get laid. I don't think anyone can blame me for my "all men are dogs" theory.
The other guy, the old friend, Ben, I also feel like I can't take the blame if he has it, because I was too drunk to even move, and he took advantage of me. I feel like it was rape, but I'm not sure, because I might have said he could. It just makes me mad because he wasn't drunk, I was very drunk, and he thought that meant I was free range to have sex with. I'm not sure if he was even smart enough to wear a condom. If he knew I had genital herpes, I'm sure he would have kept his pants zippered. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. And I'm never letting myself get into a situation like that ever again.
Lessons learned, decision made.
3 comments:
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Honey, you do need to tell people that you have ghsv before sex. it's not fair. would you want to do to them what someone did to you? you have to remember that condoms are not 100% effective in preventing transmission. If you are not going to tell them, at least be on daily suppressive meds to drastically lower the risk, condoms or not. Or just avoid sex for now like you said, until you fall in love. You are young and people can be immature, you don't need them spreading this gossip around and making it a bigger deal than it is.
Also, the guy who took your virginity has no way of knowing whether he has it or not unless he gets tested.
Do you know if you have type 1 or type 2 yet? Type 2 would have been passed from someone's genitals, in which case it could have only been him.
Type 1 would have been given to you by someone's cold sore during oral sex (it's very rare to get type 1 from someone's genitals), so in that case it would have been one of the guys you had oral sex with. and in that case your risk of transmitting it to anyone else ever would be extremely low, as type 1 rarely sheds from the genitals.
ALSO, you need to be worried about what other kinds of STDs these guys might have. What if one has HPV, HIV, etc? NEVER allow him to rip off the condom! It's your body at risk, too!
If the doctor didn't tell you if you have genital herpes type 1 or 2, go back and get a blood test or get your next lesion typed. If they try to tell you (incorrectly) that genital herpes is only type 2, tell them that up to half of cases nowadays are actually type 1 and you demand testing.
Let me know if you need any help or advice.
My blog is at http://loveinthetimeofherpes.blogspot.com/
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